2 + 1 = 3

by Madelaine, doula & yoga teacher

Whether you have a baby on the way or have one already, have you thought about the first relationship, the marriage or partnership that created this family? I want to suggest that spending time on nurturing that connection is not a luxury or a privilege, but necessary and in fact a responsibility that we have to ourselves as a couple, but also and importantly, to our children.

It’s like being co-captains of a ship that needs our leadership. Or, while an army is not my favourite analogy, it’s a good one in terms of how necessary strong and trusted leaders are. Imagine you are co-generals of an army and your members’ well-being depends on the health of your relationship. The unit cannot function, and falls apart, without that.

Newly-married and as a child of a divorced family, this has been on my mind. I believe we need to prioritize our marriages and partnerships, especially after a baby is born. Fun and happy new marriages are too often unprepared for the pressures and demands of parenting, especially in our world where we are lacking “the village” to help us raise our children.

My mother is a family mediator and psychoanalyst. In her family mediation work she has helped many couples more peacefully (or perhaps a bit less antagonistically) separate and parent their children. But through this, as well as her own experience, she has witnessed the lack of policies and resources for keeping marriages and partnerships together. She and I were talking about the lack of social/cultural recognition of the importance of the couple.

A great example is the idea that we take our cars in regularly to get serviced, we take our physical bodies to the doctor once a year to get a check-up, but what do we do regularly for our primary relationship?

It’s up to us as individuals to value them appropriately, and commit to their care. What are you going to do for your first relationship?

One of my favourite books on the subject: And Baby Makes Three by John and Julie Gottman.