Are you “man” enough to hire a doula?

My first client ever was a husband, who sought me out to be the doula for the birth of his first child. His wife was more than happy to have me on board, but it was he who first expressed his desire to have another person in their corner.

“I’m not sure I can be everything that she wants me to be during labour,” he said.

And there you have it - a big honest truth. But of course he can’t be everything.

I’m sometimes asked if I will have a doula for the births of my future children. My enthusiastic answer is YES. Not because I don’t need my husband, but because I need my husband SO much. I need him to be my husband, not to try to manage, explain, or understand everything. I believe that he will be going through a momentous life experience during labour, and want us both to have a calm, informed, reassuring presence to turn to.

I am so grateful to Pam England, who wrote Birthing From Within, and who wisely said:

“Asking your husband to be your sole guide through labour is like asking him to lead the way on a climb of Mount Everest. He may be smart and trustworthy, you may love him, but in the Himalayas you’d both be a lot better off with a Sherpa!”

There is also a great article by Doulas of North America (DONA) International called Dads & Doulas. Check it out and share it with your partner if he or she is hesitant about hiring a doula. Most doulas are absolutely committed to being enablers for the birth partners to be as involved or uninvolved as the couple needs or wants. Sometimes that means taking the lead with the mother. Sometimes it simply means being a quiet background presence.

With their Sherpa on board, my client ended up being everything his wife needed. He moved in close to her and stayed there, right where she needed him, but I was always nearby for a nod or a smile. Later, they said they couldn’t have done it without me.

Of course they could have done it without me. But at every birth I see how much people benefit from having a doula. The role is a humbling one - I understand that on some level I do very little (especially when I compare my efforts to those of these beautiful, strong mothers!) and at the same time, having a doula can mean everything to a new mom & dad’s experience of birth.

Are you “man” enough to hire a doula?

by Madelaine, yoga teacher & doula