The truth about parenthood

by Madelaine, Yoga Teacher & Birth Doula

This is an honest and inspiring video from TED.com about the realities of parenthood. Alisa Volkman and Rufus Griscom, who co-founded the website Babble.com and co-parent 3 young sons, say that there are “Even more taboos around parenting than there are about sex.”

Their theme that “false advertising about parenting” causes an undue amount of unhappiness in early parenthood is so important. Alisa and Rufus present the things we should be saying to people who are about to become parents for the first time - I’ll summarize them here for a quick read. But if you have time do watch their funny and grounded talk.

THE 4 PARENTING TABOOS

1. You can’t say you didn’t fall in love with your baby during the first minute.

The expectation is that “Love will hit you like a Mack truck.” The truth they found to be (especially for Dad) that there was deep affection but nothing like what I feel for him five years later. The reality is that love is a process. It’s not binary.

2. You can’t talk about how lonely having a baby can be.

During pregnancy Alisa felt so connected to the world. But when she got home she felt “disconnected, shut in, and shut out. I didn’t expect the feelings of isolation and loneliness that I felt.”

3. You can’t talk about your miscarriage.

When Rufus and Alisa were 5 months pregnant with their second child, the baby died in utero. Alisa felt that she didn’t want to see anybody and didn’t want to talk about it. On a deep level she felt shame: ”I failed to do what I had been genetically engineered to do.” When she shared her story other women’s stories came flooding in to share this common and traumatic experience.

4. You can’t say that your average happiness has declined since having a child.

“The party line is everything is happier and better since participating in this miracle of life.” The truth is that overall happiness drops. More specifically, the moment to moment emotional experience of parenting young children means that the ups are higher, but the lows are lower. The balancing out of highs and lows that we establish during our late twenties and early thirties disappears.

Overall, the happiness gap is exacerbated by walking (diving!) into parenting with wrong expectations. If we can communicate these things we can align expectations with reality to increase the happiness baseline of new parents.

I’m so grateful to people like Rufus and Alisa for telling it like it is, at least from their perspective. It gives space for others to do the same. I urge you to tell your own story.